When Love Turns to War

Four Ways to Heal from Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder

Infidelity Adds a Layer to Divorce Recovery

It’s been nearly four years since that fateful day in the marriage therapist’s office. It will forever be the day where I became delineated in my life: Before the affair. And after the affair.

In infidelity circles, it’s often referred to as “D-Day”–disclosure day. That my D-Day came on December 7, doubly insured the date would forever be stamped in my mind. (Which is saying something because I still pause some days in order to remember my kids’ birthdays.)

The year that followed disclosure was intense. We separated, and I found myself face to face with some of my worst fears: being alone and over 50. It was terrifying.

There came a point when I realized it was time for the crying and cussing to pause, at least enough so I could file for divorce. So now infidelity recovery was morphing into divorce recovery as well. And this is exactly what I set out to do, knowing it was a necessary step in rebuilding my life.

During that time, I had the delightful experience of having a suspicious mammogram that led to another mammogram that led to an ultrasound that led to a biopsy that led to…. Eh, I won’t bore you with the details.

Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. Five weeks after, I received the divorce finalization papers in the mail.

Buh-bye marriage, buh-bye boobs.

Good times!

The next year of treatment pre-empted any divorce/infidelity therapy.

But since that time, through therapy, and the love and support of a new partner who appeared out of the ethers, I got through the ordeal.

You know that saying, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?”

It’s bullshit. And here is why.

Post Infidelity Stress Disorder

You won’t find this diagnosis in the DSM-5, but it’s a term some therapists may use in identifying a flavor of PTSD, if you will. It can range in severity and duration after disclosure, sometimes effects lingering for years or even a lifetime.

This is hardly a strength builder. It’s trauma and the damage it causes cannot be understated. Left untreated, it can cause serious illness both physically and mentally.

A sampling of my symptoms:

· Intrusive thoughts playing repeatedly in my head-and yup, four years out and this still hits me at weird times.

· Suspicion of others because trust has been so fractured–um. Check a roni!

· Mood swings-oh yeah, babee, tears to rage in .002 seconds.

· Hypervigilance–because the anxiety you had before infidelity wasn’t yet in the stratosphere.

While the intensity has softened with time, I can still be surprised when a memory gets triggered. The hardest ones were the times when memories have gotten an unhappy do-over. Like the time we were shopping in Ikea before I knew about the affair. I was happily picking out a small set of patio furniture with the vision of creating a cozy outdoor space for us to enjoy. It will be so helpful in healing the fractures in our relationship, I thought.

I did not know that at the time he had already been enjoying an outdoor space… with her.

Triggered by Ikea. Sounds sort of dumb, huh? But yeah. As much as I love puttering about Ikea looking for tiny house storage solutions and eating their Swedish meatballs, I don’t know that I will ever be able to walk through there again without being reminded about what an ignorant chump I felt like.

Healing From PISD

It is Going to Take Time-Patience is not one of my virtues, as I have a git-er-done, move-right-along temperament. When I remind myself that it’s entirely normal and healthy for stuff to pop up years later.

Take a deep breath and take the scenic route; there is no sonic flight to healing. Think crock pot (the kind that has a simmer setting for years) not microwave.

Therapy-I continue to be in therapy and spiritual direction. I cannot emphasize enough how important this is. There’s a lot of grief and loss to process underneath the waves of emotions.

This is especially important in helping me understand the issues that I brought into the marriage, so I may heal those. Nor do not wish to create the same patterns with my new partner.

Having had a long history of (high functioning) anxiety and depression, the betrayal only threw fuel on that fire. And made therapy more non-negotiable for my healing.

Self-Care-Not just care for your emotional needs, either. Get in for your checkup. Make sure the stress of the ordeal isn’t creating high blood pressure or other stress-related symptoms. Especially if you are over 50. These aging bodies aren’t so quick to bounce back.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, one of the first questions the oncologist asks was, “Would you like medication to help with the anxiety?” I didn’t have to pause a nanosecond on that one. Yes, please.

I think that should be one of the first questions a doc asks when a PTSD/ PISD is on the table. Infidelity recovery is similar because it is complicated and touches every aspect of your being, including your physical health. Take the drugs if they needed; no shame allowed!

Rebuilding Trust-I tried to do this with my then-husband. Really, I did. Then I realized rebuilding trust with him would likely take a helluva lot longer than the number of years I have left on terra firma. Especially after learning he was still maintaining contact with her after the affair had supposedly ended. The trust was broken again.

If you are still in the marriage, I truly hope you can rebuild trust and begin anew.

What has really surprised me is the fact that I am learning how to rebuild trust with myself. The flood of “how can I be so stooopid” thoughts takes a toll on any confidence you may have had. Especially if those beliefs were shaky to begin with.

Underneath a lot of our wounds lie the belief that we are not worthy of being loved. Rejection of the infidelity magnitude only amplifies this lie.

My new partner has experienced the pain of infidelity as well, and it is something we talk about at great length. He is several years down the road in his journey, which is super important, as having two of us at the same stage of healing could make things messier.

And while I say I trust him whole-heartedly, I know deep down there is a part of me waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for rejection. Waiting for a “I’m tired of you” or some other dark brooding thought.

So yeah. We talk. A lot. And I am grateful for his loving patience when a trigger pops up. (BTW, and even though it has been several years, he can still testify to how stuff can pop up and catch him unaware.)

Overall, remember this is a long-term process. There are no quick fixes.

Conclusion-It Might Not Kill You

Back to that ignorant quote about being stronger. It might not kill you, but you sure as hell may wish that it had when the pain is so overwhelming. I don’t feel stronger after all I have experienced these past years. I feel scarred, battered, frightened and forever changed.

I want a director to yell, “Cut!” and get my money back on this stinker feature film that is my life. But then I realize I am the director. I CAN choose to frame this in a way that brings redemption beyond the broken pieces.

I can turn the page. Create a new set, a new chapter. My story is not finished, and neither is yours.

The words to the classic hymn Amazing Grace comfort me in deep ways. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound…‘Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far…

I would add: ’tis grace that is holding this hot mess together.

I continue to learn that no matter who you are, we all have our stories and wounds and by embracing them, we can become more empathic and loving. If we allow it.

There is a crack, a crack in everything

That’s how the light gets in

Leonard Cohen

Healing is possible, regardless of how long it has been your d-day and if your marriage survives or not.

Please take your healing journey seriously. These sorts of wounds do not heal tucked away, even though that may feel like the safe route. Ask for help. You are not alone.

I wish for you all love and peace.

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