My Biggest Regret After My Divorce

but I was too blind to see it at the time

We were a few weeks shy of our 33rd wedding anniversary the day the official divorce papers landed in my mailbox in November 2021.

Done and dusted. The embossed notary stamp attested to this. And there was a stupid little strip of paper that read something like “This is null and void if you remove the staple” attached to the documents.

The scofflaw in me wanted to rip the damn staple out.

But I didn’t. I just thumbed through the papers again. Dissolution of Marriage. And there were our names. Date of birth. Place of the marriage.

Just throw it all in the wood chipper. There goes my life.

Divorce. Well, I can cross that off my list of Things I Never Wish to Experience.

Call me old-fashioned, but I was committed to staying married. Even after infidelity, I did not want a divorce. Especially because I still loved the asshole.

My list of fears around divorce were legion: Living alone. Getting sick and being alone. Growing old alone. Being broke while I figure out how to support myself after being a stay-at-home mom and wife. The impact on my kids, even if they are adults. The death of dreams I had with my husband.

Gone.

It was like somebody swapped out my vision board with a nightmare board.

Those fears became my reality. Every single fucking one of them. Plus, the cherry on top.

A breast cancer diagnosis 6 weeks after the divorce. We had discussed helping one another if we developed a health issue, but there was nary a word from him while I went through surgery and chemo.

Sing it with Robert Plant and Alison, he was gone, gone, gone.

A Gofund campaign me and frugal living got me through the year of treatment I endured. I also sold my modest doublewide mobile home and used those proceeds as well. (I was packing boxes the week I ended chemo.)

My kids? Yup, that too. I have conversations with them I never could have imagined. “Have you talked to your dad lately?”

The only thing lacking on my Things I Never Wish to Experience list is homelessness which is something I have no intention of happening.

Not gonna lie. It has been very difficult. But when I reflect on all that I’ve learned, I chose the right thing.

But there is one niggling regret I have about the divorce, and it is this.

I wish I did it a long time ago.

Back when he started murmuring things about not believing in marriage. Or when he got infatuated with a woman young enough to be our daughter.

I wish I did it before I felt the contempt towards me. I wasn’t eating the right food. I was controlling. Judgmental. Our lifestyle took a hit. From being a homeowner in a nice neighborhood, to a rental to living in a travel trailer and cleaning toilets in exchange for a place to park the trailer.

I wish I did it before he announced he had been busy downward dogging his yoga instructor. The signs had been there that he had been scoping out other women. But I ignored them. Even excused the comments that should have made me head for the hills.

I wish I had left before he stuck a stupid promotional pin for a coffee place on the bulletin board. It was from where he enjoyed coffee dates with her. “Would you please remove that?” I asked. He did. “Do you know why I asked you to do that?” “Yes,” he replied. And nothing else.

So yeah. Before that nightmare conversation.

I wish I had left before I found myself in a surreal nightmare visit with my doctor to test for STDs.

I wish I had left before the volume of all the warning signals turned deafening.

My fears kept me trapped like a bug in amber.

Until one day I woke up.

In a moment of clarity, I filed the papers. Things were not improving and it was clear by his actions that he wanted out. He had wanted out long before and I was unable to see the truth.

Yet despite this, I still garnered a glimmer of hope during the required “cooling off” period between the filing and finalization that he might want to reconcile. We could work on things and rebuild our relationship. Marriage 2.0. Til death do us part!

Silly me. Didn’t happen. Thank goodness.

Great difficulty and pain? Hell yes.

I wish I could have known that Yes, shitty things will result from this divorce, but I will survive. No amount of magical thinking, positive proclamations or Bible slapping is going to make the immense heart pain evaporate like a fart in a hurricane. What taunts me is thinking this would have been easier dealing with this shit in my forties, not my late 50s. At least I’d have another decade of business building and I would probably be in a place of breathing easier now.

I want to use my story as a lighthouse beacon for other women who find their marriages crashing on the rocks.

Which I why I’m going to ask you, dear reader, some hard questions. (I’m assuming if you’re reading this, you may be struggling with your partnership.)

Ask yourself, “Are you okay if nothing changes in a year? Five years? Ten? Are you okay with making yourself small and excusing damaging behavior? Are you okay with sacrificing your health due to the stress of your marriage?”

I’d like to say that getting out sooner than later will make your journey easier. But I’d be lying. It’s going to be hard, dear sister.

But the sooner you “eat the frog” the sooner you can build a happier life.

And know this, there is support for you. And there is a new life waiting for you.

Don’t let the regret I feel become the regret you feel. That of waiting too long.

You deserve happiness.

What about you? Did you have any regrets about your divorce? Are you thinking about divorce but fear is keeping you stuck?

Drop me a comment! And remember you are loved.

Thanks so much for reading. You can find me around the internet at www.theresawinn.com, on Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram. If you’d like to support my writing in a small way, feel free to contribute to my wishlist.