Before I delve into this week’s topic, I want to first give you a big hug, if that is okay with you. So here you go: {{{You}}}
Image Credit: Wikimedia Commons
The moment of disclosure of my then-husband’s infidelity was one of the most traumatic events of my life. As a rape survivor and a breast cancer survivor, I don’t share those words lightly.
He confessed during a marriage therapy session. I could feel my world tilting, slo-mo. And then it started to spin. The stress hormones dumped into my body felt like a bomb went off. My very cells reverberated with the impact. Any cognition went off-line as primal instincts to find safety hijacked my physiology. I must run. Find safety.
I bolted from the therapist’s office and headed for the trails where I could discharge the initial waves of rage and grief. It was only a short time later that I realized the date: December 7.
My very own Pearl Harbor, a moment that will forever live in infamy, stamped into my nervous system.
Hello, Betrayal Trauma
What you have experienced is betrayal trauma (Betrayal PTSD) and it occurs when a person is betrayed by a trusted person.
That initial dump of stress hormones is only the beginning of a full assault on your emotional, mental, and physical health as you try to take in the unimaginable. It will take months, maybe even years, to fully grasp the extent of the depth and breadth of the damage.
Those early days are fraught with racing thoughts, endless questions, and dark feelings of shame and rejection. There is a hurricane of emotions.
There was life before infidelity, and life after infidelity, and you can’t go back.
Suddenly, everything you believed is now up for reappraisal. Was our relationship ever real? Was it all a lie? Why, why, WHY?
I loved being a homemaker and raising our kids. But now I’m gob smacked with how could I have been so stupid not to have my own income? I realized how vulnerable I am economically since my earning years were spent caring for my family. Little did I know the shadow this would cast over my economic future. No retirement package for this girl. No running home to lick my wounds… my parents have been gone for decades.
What’s a girl to do?
This is no time to suck it up, buttercup. And this is no time for you to look for the silver lining or spend energy trying to assure concerned loved ones. Your life just imploded.
Own the anger. Cry and scream. Visit a rage room and break and smash things. And if anyone tells you to tone it down, to be positive and to forgive and move one…. Well, if you can’t say it, let me say it for you.
Tell them to FUCK OFF.
There. Doesn’t that feel just a little bit better?
Next on your list, breathe. Seriously. Breathe. Under times of stress, our breathing naturally gets more rapid and shallow. That’s your sympathetic nervous system at work. It’s the fight-or-flight response. If our bodies were cars, this would be the accelerator.
In the wild, an animal recovers quickly from being threatened. Once the threat is gone, they are back to doing whatever they were doing as though nothing happened.
How nice would that be if we could do the same? But nope! Rumination is a human thing and drives a steady, slow drip of stress hormones.
Slow, deep breaths to the rescue! It is amazing how our bodies literally provide us with a way to find peace. Slow, deep breaths activate the parasympathetic nervous system. That is the part of our nervous system responsible for rest and digestion, it is the brake.
I recommend doing 4x4 breathing simply because it is easy to remember. Inhale 4 counts, hold breath 4 counts, exhale 4 counts, hold breath 4 counts. Repeat 4 times. Easy sqeasy, right?
I recommend getting the Breathly app on your phone. It’s extremely simple to use and is free.
What Do I Do Next?
Dear One, the most important thing you can do for yourself at this time is to treat yourself with the utmost in kindness and compassion. I have found this to be the most effective tool for the maelstrom of emotions. You may feel shame and think you must somehow be responsible for driving your man into the arms of another woman. Nope, nope, nope! It is not your fault.
Acknowledge what’s happening. If you’re dealing with panic attacks (also a very common reaction), place a hand over your heart and with all the love and sensitivity you would use to calm a frightened child, tell yourself something along these lines, “I just experienced a life-altering betrayal. I am safe. The emotions are normal and healthy and I don’t need to suppress them. I am not in any danger.”
With the help of my therapist, I wrote my own personal declarations and posted them on stickies all over my house. I encourage you to do the same.
The things you don’t do right now are equally important. As in… don’t make any big decisions. If you’re in a sandstorm in a desert, the best thing to do is to stay put. You, Beloved, are in a doozy of a sandstorm. Decisions will come later.
I would also advise against confronting your partner too soon. Let the initial dust settle and for the immediate rage to soften enough that you are in control of it, not the other way around.
I know inside you are screaming for answers and details. I sure was, it’s entirely normal. And that is why I say it’s wise to hold off for a day or two or however many you need. I pushed too hard and fast for information, and it only amped up the overwhelm. Please, don’t do what I did.
Don’t worry about packing up your bags right now. Ditto for finding a divorce lawyer. (Remember, I’m talking about this from an infidelity context. If you are in a dangerous situation, this absolutely does not apply to you.)
Tiny Little Things to Do
Like any trauma survivor, getting through the days immediately following disclosure can feel surreal. While I had no suicidal ideation, I was certainly of the mindset that if I woke up dead the next morning, that would have been okay with me.
Dear One, release yourself from the pressure to fix everything all at once.
Right now, just focus on tiny things. I mean, really tiny things. Like drinking more water. Turning off your phone for an hour or more. Get out in nature. Go watch some birds. Buy yourself a new color of nail polish. Text a friend.
You get the idea.
What Comes Next?
Your road to recovery is going to be unique. It’s going to have twists and turns, hairpin corners, and steep hills, uphill in both directions. The scariest part? There are no maps. No easy one, two, three steps.
There will be plenty to do in the days ahead, which is why it is so important to keep guard rails around your mind. It’s hard to think clearly when the mind is catastrophizing or your thoughts turn to dark ruminations.
You will figure things out in due time. This is hard, hard stuff. But you know that already. Please remember, you are not alone, even if it doesn’t feel like that.
It is a universal truth that life is a series of birth and loss, death and renewal. The loss of trust can be just as devastating the death of a long one. But as truly as all things pass away, new life is every bursting forth.
After the obliteration of Pearl Harbor, The USS Arizona Memorial Pearl Harbor is now a memorial, paying homage to the hundreds entombed in its depths. It also has a slow oil leak that is expected to continue for 500 years. (?!) Some historians refer to this ecological disaster as “the black tears of the Arizona.”
Things will never go back to the way they were before the bombing. And nor will your life. The tears will probably flow for a longtime. But you will tap into a strength and resilience you never knew you had.
Next Week
What exactly counts as cheating and just how bad is it, anyway?
That’s what we’ll talk about next week. It’s time to assess the damages with a clear eye before making any decisions.
Until then, may you be filled with a supernatural peace when you are feeling overwhelmed. And may you know how deeply loved you are.
With fierce compassion and love,
Theresa
PS If you are so inclined, I invite you to share your story below in the comments. Healing takes place as we share our stories and heal together. ❤️