Healing Lessons Learned From a Break Wall
You need a break wall too
Hello, hello, fellow Squirrels! My excitement for launching Decluttering ADHD is only growing, even though I am determined I will take baby steps so I don’t get overwhelmed and add more clutter to the abandoned projects’ pile. (Sure would have been helpful to get an ADHD diagnosis before my late 50s!)
One project I saw through to completion was a course I developed and taught at a local community college. Unclutter Your Life is a series of four modules that breaks clutter down into four areas: Home, head, and heart. The final “h” is health, because if you don’t deal with your clutter, it may very well morph into health issues.
It’s a peel the onion approach. Move from the outer environment (home), then into the squirrel party in the brain (head), and then (heart) clutter-existential and relationship matters, and traumas that were never loved back into wholeness.
I was pondering how to unroll these topics here on Decluttering ADHD. I thought I would just follow my course outline. But a recent trip to Lake Superior inspired me to jump into the deep end (and brrrrr! This lake is COLD!) and discuss heart clutter.
I consider heart clutter as sacred clutter. It needs to be addressed with the utmost of patience, self-compassion, and love. I don’t address this type of clutter with the same git- ‘er-done approach I use when purging a stuffed garage.
No one is immune to heart clutter, it’s part of being human. But we can protect our hearts from accumulating emotional clutter through the use of boundaries.
I like to think of them as emotional break walls. Which brings me back to Lake Superior.
When Lake Superior is pitching one of her epic fits, break walls provide safe harbor for the boats. It is the line of delineation between chaos and calm.
This imagery helps me deepen my understanding of the importance of boundaries.
Being raised in an alcoholic home, I learned more about co-dependency than I did boundaries. It’s taken me many years to learn the difference between the two and I know I must remain vigilant lest old habits take back over.
The beauty of an emotional break wall is that its function isn’t subjected to the codependent playbook. It doesn’t ask the assaulting waves to please settle down. It doesn’t sigh and wallow in the difficulty of being a break wall, it’s just there to protect, sans judgement.
I could have used this lesson back when I worked with a crazy boss who would call me at home to talk shop. At first, I shrugged and rolled with it. I even felt a little honored that she was seeking my advice.
But the calls became lengthier and more frequent. I was the sounding board for her stream of consciousness and the dumping ground for her angst. My frustration and confusion only grew, because I had really liked this person and the mission of the job. I dismissed the erratic behavior as the price of admission.
Until my body spoke up and said NO MORE. I had a panic attack out of the blue and ended up in the ER. I gave notice the next day. Shortly after that, she was fired.
Instead of nipping this in the bud with a boundary, I kept tolerating the bullshit because I wanted to be seen as “nice” and “supportive.” Classic co-dependent move.
Crazy makers are everywhere and failing to enforce boundaries around their behaviors will, at the least, drain your energy. At worst, their tsunami of insanity can leave your previously safe harbor into a pile of flotsam.
I’ve thought some people need boundaries made of electrified razor wire. A boundary with a bite, if you will.
Anymore, I try not to use violent language and reframe the idea of boundaries as an expression of love for myself and others.
No, I care too much about you to tolerate your self-destructive behaviors. If you need to discuss a work project with me off-hours, it will be on the clock. No, because I practice self-compassion, I will no longer be a dumping ground for your undealt with shit. I will offer you exactly five minutes after our scheduled meeting and then I am leaving if you’re a no-show. No longer will I take better care of you than you care for yourself.
Expect pushback when you try this approach. You may even have guilt buttons pushed. But I’m trying! They may whelp. (Great! Now show your efforts over several months and we can revisit later.)
But you gotta be strong and think like a break wall. They don’t engage in arguments or defend crazy makers. It is a nonjudgmental line of demarcation that has one task: protection. They protect your energy. They protect your heart.
Now, instead of your energy being drained all the time, you are free to enjoy the safety of a peaceful harbor. The support you give others is now from a place of joy and abundance. You may even feel your heart shift toward compassion for the crazy maker. Not playing nice-nice to placate her, but true compassion.
Additionally, I learn that when pity (compassion’s dark alter ego), tugs at my heart, I remind myself of a Polish adage, not my circus, not my monkeys. I can’t help someone who is unwilling to help themselves and it is not my job to try to fix someone.
I have also noticed that as I get better at honoring my boundaries, the crazy makers of the world show up in my life less frequently. And should one slip in, they don’t stick around long.
Life is challenging enough without trying to carry that which is not yours to carry.
Your beautiful heart isn’t meant to be a dumpster. And as you create and reinforce boundaries, you may find the other types of clutter become easier to address.
If you have trouble identifying areas in need of boundaries or how to implement a boundary, give this website a gander. It offers signs of boundary violations and also gives worksheets to help you take action.
Now go toss five items from your junk drawer and I’ll see you next week! 😊
With love,
Theresa
Theresa- Never thought I’d read about hearts and dumpsters in one breath, so this is a great read. I appreciate your openness and thoughtfulness throughout. Hope you’re well this week? Cheers, -Thalia