I was once happily ignorant of infidelity and all its psychological implications and the damage it inflicts on the betrayed. Over the years, I’ve watched some dear friends go through infidelity and while I felt compassion for them, I truly never understood just how devastating it is to experience being cheated on. Especially after a long marriage.

I did what I often do when I am dealing with difficulty. I read. I think it’s a distraction technique that I’ve used in order to avoid the pain of a shattered heart.

If I could just understand what went wrong. What do the statistics say? How do other women survive? And just how bad was it, anyway? I mean, after all, I “only” experienced an emotional affair and then one whole enchilada affair with another woman later.

It seems not so bad when compared to a woman who discovers her husband has another family that he’s kept under wraps for decades. Or the serial cheater who ends up gifting the wife with STDs- the range of which can be literally life -threatening. (Like HPV, which causes cervical cancer.)

If you have been cheated on, I am so very sorry. It hurts like hell. And I know there are a multitude of questions spinning and clanking around in your head like an out-of-balance washing machine.

Ultimately, the BIG question is,

❓Do you stay or go?

It looks like it just needs a simple yes or no answer. But for most of us, it’s not that simple. (Exception: Abusive situations. Run. Now.)

The multitude of factors is dizzying. Which is why it is important to, as much as you can do so objectively, look at the degree of severity of the infidelity.

I want to emphasize however that just because betrayal may seem “minor” compared to other extremes, there is no corresponding “heartbreak scale” that can accurately reflect the level of devastation even if the indiscretion was “only” from kissing a coworker at the drunken office party.

And while I’m not suggesting you compare your situation to someone else’s; it is helpful to see an overview of the spectrum of betrayal and how that might better inform your decision.

🧑‍🏫First, What Constitutes Infidelity?

I grabbed the American Heritage Dictionary definition. I am only quoting the definitions as it pertains to marriage.

1. Unfaithfulness to a sexual partner, especially a spouse.

2. An act of sexual unfaithfulness.

3. Lack of fidelity or loyalty.

4. Unfaithfulness to the marriage vow or contract; violation of the marriage covenant by adultery.

5. Unfaithfulness in marriage: practice or instance of having a sexual or romantic affair with someone other than one’s spouse, without the consent of the spouse.

Seems fairly cut and dried. But not so fast. Because infidelity isn’t about sex with someone outside your marriage.

Infidelity also includes online relationships and emotional affairs. Wrapped up in all this is are several micro betrayals delivered with each lie and denial. But I’m going to focus on the presenting behavior only.

Ready? Let’s go!

🌡️Degrees of Infidelity

Minor Flirting-Often viewed as harmless because it’s just in good fun, right? And besides, there’s no sex, so just STFU and get over it.

Not so fast! Flirting with someone who is not your spouse can damage the healthiest of marriages by creating feelings of insecurity and self-doubt in the partner. Not to mention fear of betrayal. Left unchecked, it’s an invitation to further erosion.

The sorta good news? Minor flirting can serve as a wake-up call for your marriage. And the repairs needed here are much easier to heal at this stage. It’s critical to work on communication and to discuss the use of boundaries.

😍Emotional Affairs-We’re talking about building an emotional bond outside your marriage. It’s a sexless affair. And this was my first experience of infidelity and it was devastating. He met someone through work and became infatuated with her.

It went on for over a year and my attempts to discuss it were met with stonewalling. I could feel growing contempt while the gulf between us widened.

Emotional infidelity is a big hairy ass deal. And if the marriage is to survive, therapy is a must.

I am not alone in how strongly I feel about this. A YouGov study found that among 1,000 adults, 60% of women said emotional infidelity is worse than physical cheating.

There must be accountability for the straying spouse as well. I.e., you should be free to check his phone anytime without being treated like the spawn of Satan. It is reasonable to request a change in employment also if they work together. Insist that any other points of contact with the person end, no matter how innocent looking it may seem.

💃Physical Affairs-On top of all the bullshit above, the betrayed spouse has now descended into Dante’s 8^th level of hell. (There are 9, but I’m saving that level for the serial cheaters.)

Not only is there the emotional fallout, there is now concern for sexually transmitted diseases and for some women, the devastation of finding out their spouse is a baby daddy with another woman or women.

The breach of trust is multi-layered and breathtaking. For approximately five months, he would look me in the eye and lie about his whereabouts. I did not know while it was going on because on a deep level, I never imagined my husband would pursue another woman . And talk about feeling like a chum

Can your relationship survive this? That depends. Are you both willing to submit to intensive couples and individual therapy? Is the betrayer willing to show genuine remorse through complete transparent accountability? Are you willing to look deep within at yourself at what you’ve contributed to the marital breakdown that paved a way to infidelity? (I’m saying that last question with great sensitivity because no one party is ever solely to blame for marriage issues. And let me be clear, even if you were a total bitch of a partner, no one deserves betrayal and it is not your fault.)

Statistically speaking, infidelity is a leading cause of divorce, while 53% of couples stay together after infidelity.

For those who enter therapy, 76% can stay together according to the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. Only 15% will recover without professional help.

If you choose to stay in the relationship, there is much work to be done and there is no set timeline or path to “all’s is well now.” So be patience, both with yourself and your partner.

🤥Serial Cheating-Welcome to the 9^th level of hell. Here, cheating is a lifestyle, often without remorse. They go from one fling to another in their selfish quest for excitement and the thrill of forbidden fruit. Or perhaps they are a sex addict.

The saying, “once a cheater, always a cheater” isn’t a universal truth, but there are certainly indications that suggest some validity to the statement. And of course, the factors that contribute to habitual cheating are many.

I’ve met some women who have been married to serial philanders, and the damage is heartbreaking. One woman discovered all her lady bits were scarred over from STDs, leaving her unable to bear children.

Is there healing possible in this situation? Can someone truly transform from such toxic behaviors?

I absolutely believe there is ALWAYS the possibility of growth and change. I believe in redemption.

The better question to ask, however, are they WILLING to change? Are they willing to do the inner work required for that change? And are you willing to be along for the ride because it’s going to take a hella long time.

Sadly, I think the answer to that is more often than not, no. But every situation is unique.

I’ve heard more than one woman declare their love, commitment, and belief that their spouse will stop cheating and turn their hearts toward home again.

I held onto this belief even though it wasn’t serial infidelity in my case. But regardless, it is a belief I had to reexamine.

Is my love and commitment, even after being so deeply wounded, the real deal… or is it the ideal I’ve clung to despite evidence to the contrary? It was shocking to myself to realize I had been clinging to ideals. Not that there wasn’t genuine love and concern for him, because there was and is.

I would also tell myself that he still loved me despite the egregious behavior. Um no. Love doesn’t bring intentional harm. I was trying to build a fantasyland of Happily Ever After, even though that ship had already sailed.

I had to accept that fact that no matter how hard I believed we could turn things around; it was useless without his unwavering recommitment.

And this is when I realized it was a gift to myself and to him to divorce. I had tried to wish away the signs, but it was clear it was over between us.

I don’t envy the decisions you may be facing if your spouse is a habitual cheater. And once again, I encourage you to get into therapy to help you see things more clearly. From there, you can make your decision.

⚕️Hope for Healing After Infidelity

I am so sorry if you are dealing with infidelity. No matter the level, it is, I believe, one of the deepest soul wounds a person can receive. Especially if the marriage at one time was filled with love and trust.

Please take action. I know the initial shock can paralyze, but after that settles down, there is work to be done, starting with yourself. I realized my how my views were skewered and unhealthy through therapy.

Finally, make forgiveness your ultimate aim. I would also admonish you to resist the temptation to shit talk. Even if he is an impenitent dirt bag. Even if you are fully justified. Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. If you have kids, it is a gift for them as well.

The thought of forgiveness may seem impossible when the pain levels are so high and that is okay. It is a process. And a necessary part of healing.

But with time, you will heal. And by choosing to stay on the healing path it will eventually lead you to a wiser and more peaceful life.

I wish for you much love, grace and peace. 💓

Image Credit: Wikimedia Commons

The moment of disclosure of my then-husband’s infidelity was one of the most traumatic events of my life. As a rape survivor and a breast cancer survivor, I don’t share those words lightly.

He confessed during a marriage therapy session. I could feel my world tilting, slo-mo. And then it started to spin. The stress hormones dumped into my body felt like a bomb went off. My very cells reverberated with the impact. Any cognition went off-line as primal instincts to find safety hijacked my physiology. I must run. Find safety.

I bolted from the therapist’s office and headed for the trails where I could discharge the initial waves of rage and grief. It was only a short time later that I realized the date: December 7.

My very own Pearl Harbor, a moment that will forever live in infamy, stamped into my nervous system.

Hello, Betrayal Trauma

What you have experienced is betrayal trauma (Betrayal PTSD) and it occurs when a person is betrayed by a trusted person.

That initial dump of stress hormones is only the beginning of a full assault on your emotional, mental, and physical health as you try to take in the unimaginable. It will take months, maybe even years, to fully grasp the extent of the depth and breadth of the damage.

Those early days are fraught with racing thoughts, endless questions, and dark feelings of shame and rejection. There is a hurricane of emotions.

There was life before infidelity, and life after infidelity, and you can’t go back.

Suddenly, everything you believed is now up for reappraisal. Was our relationship ever real? Was it all a lie? Why, why, WHY?

I loved being a homemaker and raising our kids. But now I’m gob smacked with how could I have been so stupid not to have my own income? I realized how vulnerable I am economically since my earning years were spent caring for my family. Little did I know the shadow this would cast over my economic future. No retirement package for this girl. No running home to lick my wounds… my parents have been gone for decades.

What’s a girl to do?

This is no time to suck it up, buttercup. And this is no time for you to look for the silver lining or spend energy trying to assure concerned loved ones. Your life just imploded.

Own the anger. Cry and scream. Visit a rage room and break and smash things. And if anyone tells you to tone it down, to be positive and to forgive and move one…. Well, if you can’t say it, let me say it for you.

Tell them to FUCK OFF.

There. Doesn’t that feel just a little bit better?

Next on your list, breathe. Seriously. Breathe. Under times of stress, our breathing naturally gets more rapid and shallow. That’s your sympathetic nervous system at work. It’s the fight-or-flight response. If our bodies were cars, this would be the accelerator.

In the wild, an animal recovers quickly from being threatened. Once the threat is gone, they are back to doing whatever they were doing as though nothing happened.

How nice would that be if we could do the same? But nope! Rumination is a human thing and drives a steady, slow drip of stress hormones.

Slow, deep breaths to the rescue! It is amazing how our bodies literally provide us with a way to find peace. Slow, deep breaths activate the parasympathetic nervous system. That is the part of our nervous system responsible for rest and digestion, it is the brake.

I recommend doing 4x4 breathing simply because it is easy to remember. Inhale 4 counts, hold breath 4 counts, exhale 4 counts, hold breath 4 counts. Repeat 4 times. Easy sqeasy, right?

I recommend getting the Breathly app on your phone. It’s extremely simple to use and is free.

What Do I Do Next?

Dear One, the most important thing you can do for yourself at this time is to treat yourself with the utmost in kindness and compassion. I have found this to be the most effective tool for the maelstrom of emotions. You may feel shame and think you must somehow be responsible for driving your man into the arms of another woman. Nope, nope, nope! It is not your fault.

Acknowledge what’s happening. If you’re dealing with panic attacks (also a very common reaction), place a hand over your heart and with all the love and sensitivity you would use to calm a frightened child, tell yourself something along these lines, “I just experienced a life-altering betrayal. I am safe. The emotions are normal and healthy and I don’t need to suppress them. I am not in any danger.”

With the help of my therapist, I wrote my own personal declarations and posted them on stickies all over my house. I encourage you to do the same.

The things you don’t do right now are equally important. As in… don’t make any big decisions. If you’re in a sandstorm in a desert, the best thing to do is to stay put. You, Beloved, are in a doozy of a sandstorm. Decisions will come later.

I would also advise against confronting your partner too soon. Let the initial dust settle and for the immediate rage to soften enough that you are in control of it, not the other way around.

I know inside you are screaming for answers and details. I sure was, it’s entirely normal. And that is why I say it’s wise to hold off for a day or two or however many you need. I pushed too hard and fast for information, and it only amped up the overwhelm. Please, don’t do what I did.

Don’t worry about packing up your bags right now. Ditto for finding a divorce lawyer. (Remember, I’m talking about this from an infidelity context. If you are in a dangerous situation, this absolutely does not apply to you.)

Tiny Little Things to Do

Like any trauma survivor, getting through the days immediately following disclosure can feel surreal. While I had no suicidal ideation, I was certainly of the mindset that if I woke up dead the next morning, that would have been okay with me.

Dear One, release yourself from the pressure to fix everything all at once.

Right now, just focus on tiny things. I mean, really tiny things. Like drinking more water. Turning off your phone for an hour or more. Get out in nature. Go watch some birds. Buy yourself a new color of nail polish. Text a friend.

You get the idea.

What Comes Next?

Your road to recovery is going to be unique. It’s going to have twists and turns, hairpin corners, and steep hills, uphill in both directions. The scariest part? There are no maps. No easy one, two, three steps.

There will be plenty to do in the days ahead, which is why it is so important to keep guard rails around your mind. It’s hard to think clearly when the mind is catastrophizing or your thoughts turn to dark ruminations.

You will figure things out in due time. This is hard, hard stuff. But you know that already. Please remember, you are not alone, even if it doesn’t feel like that.

It is a universal truth that life is a series of birth and loss, death and renewal. The loss of trust can be just as devastating the death of a long one. But as truly as all things pass away, new life is every bursting forth.

After the obliteration of Pearl Harbor, The USS Arizona Memorial Pearl Harbor is now a memorial, paying homage to the hundreds entombed in its depths. It also has a slow oil leak that is expected to continue for 500 years. (?!) Some historians refer to this ecological disaster as “the black tears of the Arizona.”

Things will never go back to the way they were before the bombing. And nor will your life. The tears will probably flow for a longtime. But you will tap into a strength and resilience you never knew you had.

Next Week

What exactly counts as cheating and just how bad is it, anyway?

That’s what we’ll talk about next week. It’s time to assess the damages with a clear eye before making any decisions.

Until then, may you be filled with a supernatural peace when you are feeling overwhelmed. And may you know how deeply loved you are.

With fierce compassion and love,

Theresa

PS If you are so inclined, I invite you to share your story below in the comments. Healing takes place as we share our stories and heal together. ❤️

If you’ve just discovered your partner’s infidelity, you’re probably feeling like the ground dropped out from under you. The grief, the rage, the shame, the numbness — it’s a storm no one prepares you for.

Or perhaps you’re stuck in an unhappy marriage and have been spinning your wheels for years, trying to figure out if you want to call it quits or not.

Stay or Go-Healing After Infidelity is the newsletter is for you.

While my focus is on older women affected by infidelity, the topics I will address will be helpful to anyone for anyone pondering the stay or go question.

The wisdom and clarity you are seeking is there for the taking. But how do you find it when you’re overwhelmed and stuck in a cycle of second guessing?

Over 10 weeks, we’ll gently untangle the mess together:

• What counts as betrayal (and who gets to decide)

• Why people cheat — and why it matters

• How to take care of yourself when your world tilts

• The signs of genuine remorse vs. manipulation

• Other important questions to consider

I’m also going to have other goodies as well:

• A downloadable decision matrix

• Resources that I found useful

• Ask Me Anything Posts

• Journal prompts

You are not alone. And I am so sorry for the pain and confusion you may feel right now. It is difficult, but speaking from experience, I know you will get through this. For right now, you just have to take care of you.

Let’s start there.

With love and fierce compassion,

Theresa

The days of making money for a newspaper or magazine are over! Now I write as a labor of love but that doesn’t stop the expenses from rolling in. ;) I am deeply grateful for any subscription amount you may choose. And if you can’t, I am still delighted you are here!

You’ll see plenty of content in the days ahead on topics related to gray divorce, infidelity, and forgiveness. And if you’re going through this dreadful process, I hope you’ll be part of the conversation!

See you fine folks next year!